Harry Potter and the Evil, Evil CloneThing
by Ceilidh of One
Summary: Harry is being attacked by an evil gothy version of himself, in the middle of Diagon Alley! His evil self posesses a weapon deadlier than any curse-a kawaii cobra named Fluffy!
1. Evil Harry

This is easily the worst Harry Potter fanfiction ever written. Sure, this is a ripoff of many comics I've seen in the past all combined into one, if that's any clue to you. And most of those comics weren't HP related.

**This has some mild cussing and violence, and perhaps later on it will comtain hints of gay couplings.** It would have more detail and less crudity, but I wrote it at 2 in the morning.

Flames would be apreciated (no seriously, they would).

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Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. 

Harry Potter, of the boy's dormitory, Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, on the other hand… Well, we'll cover that later.

All you really need to know about Harry is that he's a skinny wizard with black hair, green eyes, glasses, and a lightning-bolt shaped scar that represents a very intriguing past. On this particular day, he was staying at an inn in Diagon Alley, and pacing outside a newly opened "Enchanted Antiques" store.

Things seemed perfectly normal until he passed a mirror propped up next to the shop door. He was used to having strange things happen, like his reflection talking to him about the state of his hair, but there was something simply wrong with his reflection.

He doubled back to look at himself. He knew perfectly well that he was dressed in plain jeans and a black T-shirt, and yet his reflection's garb was something very different. His reflection sported a fishnet shirt that had been ripped open in several places, and overlarge black pants, which were decked out with many chains, bondage rings, and even fake glowing bloodstains. He also wore a golden hoop earring, bondage collar, crucifix necklace, and some of the heaviest Evil eye makeup this world has ever seen.

That wouldn't have been too alarming if the mirror was enchanted. However, the label on the mirror guaranteed this was not the case.

"I look so weird!" Harry claimed loudly, assuming that if his reflection was enchanted, it would get angry. "Absolutely despicable. I look like I'm preparing for a rape scene."

The mirror didn't get mad. It only screamed out, with exaggerated agony, "My clothes! I look like a faggot! Seeing myself like this, it's worse than the Cruciatus Curse- oh, the end is nigh!" That successfully got a rise out of Harry.

"At least I don't look like a freak!" Harry yelled back, ignoring the fact that both he and his offensive reflection were on a busy public street. His reflection took a step back, his eyes swelling. Apparently, he wasn't aware that he was the reflection, and must have felt miffed at the idea of his own reflection insulting him.

Arms shot out of the mirror as the reflection actually began to crawl out of the glass. Harry was far too shocked to react in time as wand was knocked from his hand, and he was held up by his collar. "I'm going to destroy you!" Evil Harry hissed. Now that he was in Harry's face, Evil's makeup was even more wild.

"You're wearing makeup, sissy boy!" Harry spat out, in hopes of disarming his new enemy.

"Touché," Evil Harry sighed. He let go of Harry abruptly, and the shocked boy fell flat on his face. The Harry from the Mirror merely stood there, looking around at all the people that were busily ignoring them. "Is the sun normally this vile here? If I get a sunburn, I'm going to force you into rubbing After-Burn Anti-Sun lotion on me. I'll use the Imperius if I have to!"

"Good luck," Harry calmly sang. Sure, his voice sounded calm, but his mind was racing in alarm. For all he knew, this was part of another one of Voldemort's plots to kill him. Normal reflections didn't leave their mirrors, nor threaten to torture and possess you. He slowly began to reach for his fallen wand, hoping that Evil Harry wouldn't notice, but- "ARGH!" Having your foot stamped on by a guy in clawed boots can be a rather painful experience.

Before he could further access the situation, Evil had pounced at him, throwing punches and kicks. Being wandless and rather mad at this wicked reflection, Harry threw back punches and kicks of his own. Evil Harry played rather brutally, ripping at his hair, aiming for the crotch, smashing glasses, and finally jamming his cross into Harry's eye.

"You got your cross in my eye!" Harry screamed at that instance.

"Exquisite pain! Yes! Yes!" Evil laughed demoniacally, bowling Harry over. Unfortunately for him, Harry could now reach his wand.

Within seconds, an alarmed Evil was pinned to the ground by Harry Potter, a wan directed at his throat. "You're pinned, you evil… thing," Harry panted. "Give up!"

"Oh, but I have yet to start," Evil whispered. His green eyes, exactly like his captors, glinted maliciously. His hand shifted slightly, and to Harry's great alarm, he produced and 11-inch long Holly wand with a Phoenix core from his pocket. "_Accio Fluffy!_"

"Fluffy?" Harry gasped. "You have _Fluffy_? Fluffy as in, the massive three-headed dog!"

"Be quiet!" The pinned Evil commanded, his face strained with concentration as he tried to make his summoning spell work. Recalling the nature of the spell, Harry instantly resolved to break Evil's concentration.

"If it's not the big dog, than what is it? Your gothic poodle? Oh, how _scary_!" Evil flinched and looked away. For a moment Harry thought he had succeeded, but then he realized that Evil was looking at the mirror.

'Fluffy! You came!' Evil hissed with delight. Harry shivered. Evil was speaking Parsletongue, the snake language which Harry often wished he didn't understand. Harry turned slowly to the mirror, expecting to see a basilisk or some similar serpentine monster that would surely end his life.

What he saw was a cute little cobra with a pink ribbon tied around it's neck, slowly sliding out of the mirror and hissing a happy tune to itself, bobbing it's head to the beat.

Harry burst into peels of laughter. "Maybe a gothic poodle would have been scarier!"

He felt a light touch to his nose, and stared at Evil as he was pushed back by the proboscis, inch by inch. Suddenly, he was sprawled out on his back, and Evil was standing over him with the most vile look of triumphant glee. The most terrifying thing was that it was Harry's face that gave off such an evil leer. Fluffy the Cobra swayed happily as she coiled through his arms.

'What can I do ye for, master?' Fluffy hissed cheerfully.

'Strangle him,' Harry commanded her, hoping it would work.

'Should I?' Fluffy asked Evil, swaying to look at him.

'No!' Evil hissed. Then he turned back to Harry, grabbed his shoulder, and hauled him carelessly onto his feet. He switched to plain English, caring nothing for the crowd that surrounded them. "I almost feel sorry for you. You're about to feel the mighty wrath of Fluffy!"

Harry couldn't stop himself from cracking up. That was rather short-lived, however. His evil reflection was inches from his face, a very wicked grin in place. "Prepare yourself," He demanded sinisterly.

Harry squawked in mortification as Evil unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. "What are you doing?" Harry yelled. He received no answer as Evil tilted an arm toward his nearly exposed crotch.

'Dive, Fluffy!' Evil commanded, depositing the happy snake into Harry's trousers.

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"**

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Poor Harry. This will be interesting. 


	2. The Mudblood's Revenge

I wasn't expecting people to actually REVIEW this disgusting thing. Thanks, you lot! But where are the FLAMES!

Anyway, I own nothing! Not even Evil Harry!

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We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you a special broadcast. Hermione Granger, a ridiculously intelligent girl with hair nearly as massive as her brain, is walking down Diagon Alley. This would not be groundbreaking news, were it not for the fact that she's accompanied by the illustrious Draco Malfoy, pale pureblood and ferret extraordinaire. 

On with the show.

"Why should I tell you where Harry hides his underwear?" Hermione demanded, giving Draco a very suspicious glare. "Have you run low on potion ingredients, or have you finally decided to start wearing male undergarments?"

Ignoring the insult, Draco tried again to speak civilly to the filthy hybrid that was so below his status. "I promise I'll never call you a Mudblood again."

"Aww, I'll miss my pet name," Hermione sighed. Draco seemed quite affronted by this, and Hermione's smile turned slightly wicked. "I don't offer help to panty-thieves."

"What about the Weasel twins?"

"They're a special case!"

"More special than me?" Draco felt mortified as he did it, but he used his most adorable pout on the girl. It work on all the Slytherin females. If the smile playing on her lips was anything to go on, she was charmed.

"By Muggle standards, you're the most 'special' guy on Earth." The pale boy smirked, not realizing this was insult. "Now, _Ferret_. If you really want to know where Harry's underwear is, you'll have to stop calling me Mudblood forever…"

"Done," Draco said immediately. It couldn't be all THAT hard.

"Give me 300 galleons…"

"Done," Draco said, with a flinch. There goes this week's allowance.

"Dress up like a Muggle prostitute…"

"Done?" Draco whimpered.

"Kill the Dark Lord…"

"But-!" Draco squawked, but Hermione continued.

"… And take Ginny Weasley out on a date!" Draco froze in his tracks.

"You conniving wretch!" He spat helplessly.

"Harry's underwear," Hermione sang.

"Fine, fine… _Granger_." He said the word like a foul obscenity, gave her to money, and cast a quick spell to transfigure his clothes from styling wizard to Muggle whore. "The Weasel and Dark Lord debts will be paid later." Hermione tried not to laugh as she pocketed the money and took a mental snapshot of Draco's shiny shaven legs.

Knowing the enormity of Draco's debt to her, she drafted up a completely accurate map of how to find Ron's underwear drawer, and handed it to the washed up wizard with all the relish she could muster. He grabbed it and shoved it in his pocket after checking it for content. "You Malfoys… ha!"

"What's wrong with Malfoys?" Draco demanded dangerously.

"Well, let's see. Your breath worse than a fat Russian giantess's armpit, you have the intelligence of a flobberworm, and you look like the lovechild of a dead veela and a vampire on crack." A muscle on Draco's cheek jumped in his anger, but he didn't dare attack the Mudblood wench in public. He would save that for a later night. "You've also got the sex appeal of a Grindylow in labor." Perhaps attacking her in public would be worth the years in Azkaban… "Malfoys, each and every one of them, are insatiable whores."

"You…" Draco hissed, finding no words to express his rage, except for _Crucio_. He began to pull out his wand, but the witch spoke again.

"You're such a pervert. You should be more like Harry. He would NEVER steal panties, or-"

**_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" _**A scream interrupted her sentence, and her eyes bulged.

"That was Harry!" Hermione gasped.

"I hope he's in pain," Draco hissed. He was quite shocked to have the girl grab his shoulders and look into his grey eyes.

"If it's Voldemort-" Draco flinched, "-than you can pay back part of your debt right now."

Draco couldn't argue with that logic. They both took off running towards the source of the scream.

The first thing they saw, when they reached the screaming boy, was that his hands were shoved deep into his unzipped and unbuttoned pants- and apparently something in his pants was writhing. "Get it out!" He screamed.

You can well imagine what that looked like.

"What were you saying about him not being a pervert?" Draco demanded dully.

Hermione's eyes were doing a great imitation of dinner plates, and in her shock, she fainted. She landed inconveniently on top of Draco. "_Granger, you have two seconds to get off of me before I stop seeing you as a despicable enemy and start seeing you as a mutilated corpse!"_ With a squeak, she hopped off the fallen ferret and stared at Harry in alarm.

The scarred teen screamed something impossible to understand and ran down the street, hands still grasping something wriggling inside his pants.

It was this that caught the attention of a random guard, who caught Harry by his shoulders and fixed the boy with a piercing glare. "Young man, you are _not_ allowed to do that in a public place!" He said firmly.

Harry was on the verge of tears. "Please, sir, you don't understand! There's a raging Fluffy snake in my pants! _I have to get it out!_" The guard raised an eyebrow.

"A raging fluffy snake?"

"That's a euphemism if I ever heard one," Evil Harry laughed from a few feet away. The guard, getting rather angered by the raven-haired boy's blunt refusal to not masturbate in public, grabbed Harry by the collar of his shirt.

"Okay, Sunshine. You can just take care of your 'fluffy snake' in Azkaban!" While the guard strapped a frantic Harry Potter to a broomstick for transportation to Azkaban, Fluffy happily slid her way out of Harry's pants.

_'Harry!' _She hissed, slithering delightedly into Evil Harry's arms.

_'Yessss! We won, Fluffy!'_ Evil cheered, not caring for the stares he received for speaking loudly in Parsletongue.

A few feet away, sudden realization hit Hermione and Draco. "You did this to Harry!" Hermione raged, pulling out her wand and aiming it at Evil. "You may look cooler than him, but you're an arse!" The look Evil fixed her with was one of pure malice.

"And what's a nerdy Mudblood like you going to do about it- throw books at me?"

Draco burst into laughter.

* * *

**Five Minutes Later…**

* * *

"WAIT! Come back, he's innocent!" Hermione cried, chasing after the guard that had dragged Harry away. 

Evil and Draco still lay in the middle of the street. "I didn't know she could use the Cruciatus curse," Evil choked. He was still trying to breath normally again, and the tears all over his face were really annoying him. Beside him, Draco was still whimpering from small aftershocks of pain. "Will you be alright?"

"Yes," Draco gasped, pulling himself into a sitting position. There was a very hollow look in his eyes. "The pain, it… it annihilates my soul." Evil Harry suddenly look at Draco as if he had said something very wrong. The pale Malfoy smiled grimly, staring right back at Evil Harry.

"Draco?" Evil asked slowly, sitting up next to the blonde.

"Yes?"

_"You destroy me."_

Draco's reaction was a flustered blush to his cheeks. "You mean it?" He giggled, his grey eyes sparkling.

"You… you destroy me. You're terrible!" Evil continued, his face looking somewhat embarrassed. Draco looked ready to collapse with happiness. "You, you're despicable! You're racist! You're a panty-thief! You have _pasty skin!_ And yet, I can't help it but… I kind of…" His face tinted bright red, and he reached into his pocket to produce a small pack of extra-sharp pins. "What are you into?"

"Anything you hate."

Their kiss was so passionate that the spectators walked away in disgust.

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**Meanwhile, in Azkaban…**

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"It was not a euphemism!" Harry screamed. 

"Tell it to the Dementors, Sunshine."


	3. Bloodpops and Bad Guys

Joya... Ace... you're both insane, but I luff ya'll anyway.This chappie isn't as good as the first two.

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"Hallo, Harry! Nice outfit!" Ronald Bilius Weasley said cheerfully, as he sat his redheaded, freckly, maroon-sweater-clad form next Evil Harry. Evil had been sitting calmly at a picnic table, away from the rest of the crowded alley, licking away at a Bloodpop and reading the daily prophet. Ron had the bad luck of assuming this was the Harry he knew, and he also assumed the lollypop was an ordinary flavor, like strawberry.

"Hey, Ron. You smell like deceased hobo. Go take a sponge bath in an unflushed toilet until you smell better," Evil greeted him.

"What?" Ron asked blankly.

"Nothing. Do sit down, the sight of you towering over me makes me feel insignificant. And you know what happens when I feel insignificant, Ron…" Evil lowered his copy of the Daily Prophet to fix Ron with a green-eyed glared. Ron innocently cocked an eyebrow and sat down across from Harry, wondering if his friend was feeling depressed for some reason.

"Last time I checked, you started crying when you felt insignificant." Evil Harry leaned toward Ron, smiling wickedly as he ran his tongue over his flavorful Bloodpop.

"That's funny, I seem to recall dangling you from the ceiling and dumping spiders all over you. Oh, and molesting Ginny in front of you." Ron's jaw dropped, and he almost backed away from Evil Harry.

"That never happened, and it had BETTER not happen," Ron stuttered. Evil Harry grinned and bit down on his treat, chuckling darkly. "Can I have a lick, Harry?" Ron asked, trying to change the subject.

"Why, Ronny, darling! I never knew your taste ran that way. I thought you didn't like other guys! What would Hermione say!" Evil Harry batted his overly-mascara-coated eyelashes at him.

"WHAT! I meant the lollypop!" Ron squawked, disgusted and alarmed at the same time.

"Buy your own, you teasing prick," Harry laughed. Then, after a moment's hesitation, he leaned back and gloatingly sucked at his lolly. "Oh, wait, I forgot. You can't. You have no money. And after you pay for the funerals of all your remaining relatives, you might have had to sell your own limbs. I bet 50 years of prostitution won't be enough to pay for the coffins of your disgustingly huge family."

"What are you talking about?" Ron whimpered, becoming unusually pale. He leaned forward, and whispered softly, "Is… is You-Know-Who plotting something? Do you know something I don't?" Evil actually laughed demoniacally at that, setting down his pop to lean in at Ron and almost bump their noses together. Ron shivered at the look Evil was giving him.

"Well, I do know how to do the Killing Curse. Of course, that isn't as much fun as the Cruciatus. Mmm, pain. Pain tastes good. Especially when the pain comes from orphans. I really like orphans, Ron. You'll be one soon. Very soon. Probably tonight, if I'm not too busy shacking up with Draco… unless, of course, he thinks seeing your mother's innards splattered all over the wall would be romantic." Ron's eyes just about popped out of his head.

"What is WRONG with you!" Ron yelled, angry and scared senseless at the same time. He backed away from Evil Harry and looked at him as if he had lost his mind.

"I've finally found somebody willing to chain me down," Evil giggled, his eyes misting over and a faint blush coming to his cheeks. "He says he'll cut me, too. If I'm lucky, we might even take this as far as poison and cheating on each other. This might be even better than Voldemort's love confession in fourth year."

Ron couldn't stand the disturbing thoughts that filled his head, so gave Harry a disgusted glare, and began to walk away. "Wait, I changed my mind. Want a lick, Ronny?" Harry called out loudly, making sure Ron got to see him drooling a bit of blood as he licked at his sucker in a rather sultry way.

"UGH!" Ron shrieked, running off as Evil roared with laughter. As soon as Ron ran, Draco appeared out of nowhere with a couple ice-cream cones for himself and Evil Harry. He gave Ron a seething glare, and looked at Harry as he sat down the ice-cream.

"Are you already cheating on me? We haven't even been together for a whole day!" he spat.

"No, I'm not cheating on you yet. But I'm sure as heck trying." He grinned at Ron's retreating form in the crowd.

"You're a real jackass," Draco said simply, sitting down beside his new lover and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

"Awww. I hate you too, bitch," Harry giggled. They shared one ice-cream cone and let the other chocolate cone melt on the clean white tablecloth.

**Meanwhile, in Azkaban…**

"Look, THAT'S the snake that was down my pants, and she said in small simple words that she didn't INTENTIONALLY slide in there! I told you, I was set up!" The goody-two-shoes Harry squeaked at Fudge.

"How am I supposed to know what she said? I don't speak 'trouser snake', fag," Fudge snapped.

"I was not masturbating in public, nor was I molested by a snake!" Harry yelled. Fluffy rubbed herself against Harry's arm.

_'Oh, Harry,'_ Fluffy sighed dreamily in Parsletongue. _'The snake I met down there was so very handsome. Why didn't you tell me about him? How long have you been hiding this from me?'_

_'Sicko!'_ Harry raged.

"What did she say?" Fudge demanded.

"She likes your hat," Harry lied. Fluffy slid lightly around Harry's neck, tickling him with her pink bow.

_'He looks delicious. Very plump. Very tall.'_ Whether Fluffy was talking about his private parts or Minister Fudge, Harry didn't like hearing her fantasies.

_'Shut up!'_ He commanded her. Fudge gave them a very suspicious glare. Hermione's bushy brown head nodded feverishly.

"Some guy dumped that poor snake in his pants just to make it look wrong!" She told the Minister. Fudge frowned at Fluffy.

"It doesn't seem too traumatized," He grumbled, watching the snake affectionately nuzzle Harry's chin. "You're obviously masturbating and molesting snakes in public AS PART OF YOUR WORLD DOMINATION SCHEME!"

"… What?" Harry and Hermione asked in unison.

"You plan to overthrow me and make me look like…"

"… The paranoid nincompoop that you so completely are?" Harry finished for him, glaring.

"EXACTLY! So, stay in Azkaban! No freedom for you!" He slammed the door to Harry's jail cell, locking it with a complex bunch of spells.

"Um, sir?" Hermione whined. "Why did you lock me up with him?"

"Because I hate you," Fudge twitched as he left. Harry sighed, feeling lost and helpless, then suddenly realized that Fluffy could slip through the bars easily. He gently untied Fluffy's bow, and used a handy quill Hermione had kept to write a frantic note on the ribbon. He tied it back around the squirming snake's neck, while whispering instructions.

_'Fluffy, I need you to go to Hogwarts and make sure Albus Dombledore sees your bow,'_ Harry told the snake. She totally ignored him, and continued to nuzzle him. He groaned, and turned to glare at Hermione. "Lassie would have gone to get help," Harry grouched.

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Say, if anybody actually reads these footnotes, tell me- Should Evil Harry be a vampire? I think he'd make a really good vampire. 


End file.
